This All Happened. No, Really.

In an attempt to cheer myself up, because I don't "feel" pregnant (i.e. I feel premenstrual), I would like to recount conversations that I actually had this week.   (more to make myself laugh than you...but I'm comfortable in saying that something on this page will crack your shit up).  These are the little bits that make life worth living, and laughing through, folks.  And even if infertility does win this round, I am surrounded by people who love me, and who crack the shit out of me.

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Random cute man flirted with me at value world (not really random, I call him my "value world boyfriend" but we never speak and pretend not to look at each other...and then Joe comes over and ruins it every time and reminds me that I am happily married.  jerk.).   Joe sighed, rolled his eyes and shrugged...

Me:  If you like it than you should've put a ring on it, don't be mad once you see that he want it.

Joe:  OK,   A.  I did put a ring on it, and B.  You feel comfortable in using Beyonce lyrics?  Like, you're as hot a Beyonce?

Me:  Are you saying that I'm not?

Joe:  Are you saying that you are?  Is that one of the things that you say about yourself?  Do other people say that about you and I just haven't heard them?

Me:  Yeah, well you are no Jay Z mister.

Joe:  I don't even know what that means.

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On the way back from the goat barn, Kelly and I stopped to check on the pregnant cows.  Big Grandma cow was in "early labor" (there was mucous folks.)

Kelly:  Maybe we should scrap Chinese food and just stay here and watch.

Me:  I am totally content to watch cow labor all night.

Kelly:  Crap I'm really hungry though.  Text Allison and tell her "We are staring at mucousy cow vag, and starving- Bring food and cocktails."

Me:  This is the one and only time in the history of texting that this text will be sent.  Ever.

Kelly:  Oh screw it.  I'll probably be out here all night on a cot with a flashlight, wishing I had Chinese food.  We're going for Chinese...I'll need my strength to pull that bitch out,

*note*  we went for Chinese, cow still hasn't delivered.

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Call from Allison:

Me:  Hi!  What's up?

Allison:  Well, if you were planning on meeting me at the bowling alley, don't bother.  We have to switch bowling alleys because there was a blind bowling tournament going on at that one.  No seriously, like with seeing eye dogs and everything.

Me:  speechless.

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Conversation that Joe had with someone early this morning...Joe's side (fill in the other person's part as you like):

Joe:   Hello?  Yeaahhh I have an Iron Cobra!

Joe:  No man, just put the oil in it and brush through it every night.

Joe:  Like a curly perm?  No man, I think that would make things worse.

Joe:  Like a straight perm?  No, I still think that would make things worse.

Joe:  Yeah, I'll smack some bitches up.  Over and Out.

*this was all too much to process before I'd even had my coffee.*

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Text from me:  There was a petition at church giving thanks for our ability to help the Albino fund of Tanzinia.  Asking for our continued support for the Tanzinian Albino's.  What does that even mean?

Kelly:  Do they need sunscreen?  Put me down for a bottle.

Allison:  I'm on hats and sunglasses.

*It's lent people...we should all be giving to the less fortunate (i.e. tanzinian albinos)  (this is apparently a real organization so I am in no way making fun...but it was such a random petition, and was too much to not laugh at in church...sitting next to Joe who was elbowing me violently like "wtf?")*

*Damn it.  I just googled it and it's seriously a serious problem.  So now I mean it...everyone go donate...Tanzania Albino Society.

Happy Holy Week!!!  xoxo, e.

(p.s....friends, I will not always recount your texts and stories, but, come on!  You guys were hilarious this week.)